Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
