Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
