I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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