Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
