I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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