Cold hands, warm shart.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize