There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
