I wannas sexs uuuuu
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
