did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i would punch a child for taco bell
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize