cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
