i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize