she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize