Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
