So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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