Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
