we're chasing vodka with high fives
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
