Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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