The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
