Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
