I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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