when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i now understand why vodka
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I want a musical about memes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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