I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My feet surprised me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
