Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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