I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
