Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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