We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Boobs are out for the taking
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
