it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just pee around me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
