Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
