i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
