Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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