I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
