He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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