Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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