You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
