they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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