Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
