i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
