I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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