is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
