All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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