new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
