I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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