just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
as a side note pls kill me
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
