you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
