Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
