i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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