a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
