I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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