I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
