My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
