Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
