enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
