hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I can text with my tongue
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
