I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
