Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
