I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
