haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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