I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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