I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
